in Iambic Pentameter fortehlulz

Isn't it funny how these things work out?
I really think that this thing is crazy
I don't even know what this is about !
but, I do know you have a hold on me

who you are, is something I do not know
I do hope that we will meet sometime soon
Only if it is okay with you though
let us meet by the light of the moon

if

If I died tomorrow, it wouldn't be much different than dying yesterday.
Waking up is much like death.
There is no today.
As I lay here, questioning everything...
I just accept, and conform.
Confront? Never.

Kiss it

He would elicit explicit responses
Not one thought was left unsaid
it was all explained too much
her hesitance was apparent to the touch
illusive, all too intrusive

her mouth spewed ignorance profusely.
she could not keep it shut, shut up

throwing stones

i reach out to the sky, and pull down a star
I sit and stare, and there you appear
deep within my dreams, deep within my hopes
all that I could ever conceive
all that I could ever conjure up
you have little to non meaning
yet to me, you are everything
you are the air I breathe
you are the sun in my winter sky
you are the very reason, the very meaning I exist
you make up every fiber of my being
you fly away
you leave, you escape
you are back in that never ending galaxy
here I am, trying to hear
yet, I have no clue where you are

I will get by, I will survive

tomorrow, I will be absolutely overwhelmed with work
I have missed too much school, because of this depression.
but, tomorrow, I will come home, lock my door, turn up some Grateful Dead, and smoke some weed.
it seems juvenile, but I think it may help me. I need to find her, and I could maybe make some connection with her spirit.

SOMETHING.

How come everything I ever really loved ends up leaving?

Guys, go ahead, leave now, while I'm sad. It's cool. I understand

wtf?

"At first glance you are sure that you have just seen a bobcat, you slowly turn and your gaze falls upon this magnificent and untamed looking creature. It captivates you. Your eyes meet and you are drawn to a far away place where hearts run wild and free. The cat cleans its luxurious fur, blinks its eyes at you and begins to purr. You long to stroke its soft, thick fur and hold him in your arms, but do you dare? Tentatively you reach for the amazing animal. He stands up and stretches, allowing you to marvel at his substantial body and his natural short tail. He is a thing of the wild, of that you are sure. The cat saunters over to you and demands attention, you cautiously pick him up and are amazed at his personality. Affectionate, intelligent and gentle, your heart has been stolen by an American Bobtail. "

........dude, ....nevermind...

ANYWAY.

Before I am off to sleep, I must point out that I am worthless!
I think I may have to leave at lunch, yehp.
also, yeah.


← Me and Lillie♥
So,☺

I really do not have much to say, and I do not possess the willpower to write it elegantly.
I believe I am off to sleep.

goodnight world, treat me with a sweet dream tonight...

wtf

I complain day in and day out about something, it goes unnoticed
he lets out a complaint, once
and my dad is jumping over hurdles to help.

...we complain about the same thing

why, why doesn't he care about me?

oh, I almost forgot

george and a kitty
made my day

xD

I have barely spoken to you
yet, you haunt my dreams
with your inquisitive eyes
your large physique

the last time I saw you
it was a long time ago
June, I want to say
I miss each of those days

going to class,
longing to get your attention
I believe you opened the door for me once
I wish I could have told you

butterfly fly away

rising mourning
the sun doth not shine on thee
it may appear to be beautiful
but that is the water's reflection
not me, that you see
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

"I want to fall in love"
she cried. His response?
"No, darling, you do not"
He lied, with a certain nuance
She was baffled by this
Who, she wondered, who has he been in love with?
Why is he telling me this?

He lied, he lied.
He may hate each and every moment that he loves her
but truth be told, he loves each moment she spends with him
her laugh, the way she pushes her hair to her cheek
this never gets old, he turns to her when he feels unbelievably grim
she knows exactly what to say, what to do
the only thing she doesn't say is, "I love you"

She may never realize this
love, true love, sits there
staring in front of her

years pass, pass on by
quickly she met a boy
sadly, they continued on
leaving him in the dust
left with a suitcase filled with unrequited love
love, and lust
he misses her, she kisses her beau

life went on, love left untouched

Blows my mind

It is amazing, bordering on funny
I have all these emotions, these desires
you don't even realize it, or notice me
or remember me, or see me
but, being the creepy admirer that I am
I know all too much of you, of you
about you, about it, about how we will never be

Somethings just aren't meant to be,
most of these things are,
you just have to open your eyes to see

Look up, look around
get your eyes off the ground
see me standing here
Kick it up, switch your gear

I wish to meet you, to see you
to know you, to love you
to be with you, to kiss you

If only you noticed what is in your destiny
fate will only take you so far
you have to be involved,
I hope to see you soon

Je ne sais pas

Have you ever traveled upon a road for so long that you forget which way it is going?
I always get lost in my direction
I will be heading westward, but I can swear to you the road looks northbound

This is a parallel to my life
I have just made that connection

I am so anxious, apprehensive
I do not want it to come near
I do not want to grow up

I am lost
I know where I am going, as in, I know the desired end location
but I have no clue which way this road is going

je voudrais tu m'aimer

I don't wanna fade away

falling asleep is hard
dreaming sweet dreams is hard too
waking up is sort of hard
but getting up, getting up gets me each day
the desire to get up, I don't have

but I do have a cute little kitty who has a knack for jumping on mt bed at the right time :)

first title that has nothing to do with a song

tu es beau, et tu es brilliant, et tu es incroyable, et je voudrais etre avec toi
mais, hélas, je ne vous ai pas même rencontré pourtant
peut-être j'ai.
la vérité est, je souhaitent que vous ayez été lui

you are so perfect, you are witty
you are clever, smart, and very intuitive
you can tell by my smile exactly what I am thinking
but, as I said, I have not even met you

vous vous demandez si nous sommes censés pour être
vous ne savez pas que j'existe encore,
ou peut-être vous faites.
jusqu'à ce que nous nous réunissions,
mon amour,
je vous manquerai

I wonder if you long for me
you wonder who longs for you
I cannot wait to meet you
or until I see you again

trouble ahead, trouble behind

je crois que tu es incroyable. tu es vraiment inaccessible
je ne parle pas du garçon que je désire habituellement, ma vieille convoitise pour cet étranger a été rétabli

aussi, Viktorria, je t'aime.

Shakedown Street

ugly, unbelievable
completely careless
stupid, shudder-some
hastily hating
partly petrified
lustful long-shot
alliteratively awful
terribly tired
killing kingdoms
FUCKING FRUSTRATED

marry Mary so she'll be merry
Mustn't murder Martha
kill kittens, carry cats, kiss Carrie, capture costly children
pretty practical, practically perfect planning!

she says hey babe

being unique is just another way of following the crowd; jus' sayin'


..take a walk on the wild side

And in the middle of the celebrations I break down.

prestige
precise
precious
preemptively
preamble
promptly
practically
purposfully
purge
positive
punctual
push
puss
promiscuity
pistachio
piscatorial
predator

PRETTY MUCH,

I am so drawn to it
like a moth to a flame
but it'll end up the same
nothing'll happen, I will quit

so filled with rage
I have hatred deep inside
she, it, everything really hurts my pride
in death I wish to engage

murder, lurks around every corner
each step down each hall,
off the floor, they'd crawl
someone better call the coroner


sounds like a disturbing joke
just for a reaction, for the humor
it's like an intrusive murderous tumor
crazed, anyone I must choke

loud, abrupt gusts of wind
slamming my door shut
snaps me out of this angry rut
forgive me, I have sinned

she wished and prayed she could stop living, so she decided to die

HAHA.
I thought, for a split second that I, Elisa Heather, stood a chance with this guy.
clearly I did not. this is ridiculous.
I do not know why I care so much, it isn't like there was a mutual feeling, or mutual knowing of names, or mutual knowing of each others existence.
I'm going to the NBA game tonight, I almost do not even like basketball anymore.

I'm far too tired to fall asleep

Isn't it funny..

hahah-no, it is not.

this breathing thing, what a daunting task
my chest feels like it is being sat on

yaaaaay.

luckily I am so exhausted that I have no trouble sleeping this week

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

some things are easily regretted

regretted during, regretted before even

but who cares.
I'll just deal.

my 104 fever went down to 100
I feel well enough to look at computer screen, getting somewhere

how does one undo something?

how does one obtain someone?

how does one know if they're ........ before their ......?

how does one do their homework if they're dying?

how does one miss zero period drivers ed?


in other news...

how is it that I've played a song 16 times, but I have no clue what it is...

I am alone until 5
:/

I feel like everyone knows

but, if anyone did, I'd die.

his rival it seems, has broken his dreams

It is weird how things happen

It is weird how much I long for something so out of my reach that I justify silly things

I am so fucking disappointed, please do not ask why

I am also very sick
102 fever

but that is not even what concerns me.
I wish I could feel better, and go to the store, spend money on something I never want to talk about

I hate myself, and I realize the things I do to make myself feel better, make me feel worse

also, I really want this, this thing
and I need it, but I cannot obtain it

granted, I am not trying too hard

everyone else around me, all have something nice to say, except for.

I feel quite dirty, and lonely

I wish I could be held in her arms again

I wish that somehow, someway I could just reach my goal, I made a goal to live for, but I'm afraid if I do not reach my goal, I will hurt myself, someone, anything.

I cant help myself from how my heart is racing

always vacant

maybe I'll switch it up

take it off my mind

so, maybe I'll take a break

or cheat.....

;)

Now she walks through her sunken dream

I have so much to say
yet, I cannot type it here
-- hindering me, it would appear
afraid it'll be used as hearsay

so many emotions
I wish to state it all
but, it would result in my downfall
these thoughts could fill the oceans

I long for something
for any sort of twist
my life needs an assist
even if it isn't the right thing

I believe it is necessary
even if it is just some dope
anything to help me cope
I desire to feel merry

but what I really want is lust
lust that is acted upon
something not forgone
physical attraction, a must

So won't you just let me be

I have got a problem
a problem with this annoyance

Leave me alone, please
quit doing this to me!

so many people keep hurting me each day

I've got a feeling

100th post....
weird

furry feline, rubbing her caramel splattered face on my hand

she is the epitome of innocent

anyway, moving on.

I am fairly certain that Paul was singing of his lustful feeling, many would argue love though

maybe it is my current state of mind throwing in some bias, or maybe it is true....

"Ive got a feeling that keeps me on my toes"

yearn, crave, long for, lust

and then I tell her, as I turn off the light, my darling you were wonderful tonight

Viktorria, I love you<3

If I stared too long, I'd probably break down and cry

Talking to Viktorria is an exhilarating experience

anyway.

I feel like I should make a romantic advance
but the risk, I don't think it is worth the chance

maybe if I used some creepy, crafty attract-a-lover spell
but honestly, if he discovered, it would just repel

One can only hope the feelings are reciprocated
and then, well then, I will have waited for a belated, yet lustily stated romantic decree
maybe we'll have dated,
if only.

but alas, alas alas
I am one shy little lass

you would never feel this way
nor would my feelings stay

you see, it is actually more of an infatuation
not a true dedication, or invitation.
I do wish to invite you, invite you to an inappropriate place
this place being my room, in my sight, you would surely loom
if only.


nonsense often spoken,
eye contact is broken

I've Just Seen a Face....

falling, yes I am falling
and she keeps calling me back again


Wow, today.
I respect viktorria's literary magicness that created infinite lulz.
I wish someone saw what happened
how he, he.... he ______?!
<3

I Might Even Be a Rockstar?

"Sometimes I walk a little faster
In the school hallway just to get next to you
Some days I spend a little extra time
In the morning just to impress you

Guess you don't notice, guess you don't need this
Sad, you're not seeing what you're missing
On the outside shying away
On the inside dying to say

I'm unusual, not so typical
Way too smart to be waiting around"

I love the first two verses of that song.
Oh, I love Miley Cyrus too.

<3

I've Got My Mind Set On You

I have myself a little goal, yep.

by the end of June I will have accomplished this.

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)


I hope.....

I'm getting excited just thinking about doing it...

.....not like that

I think MyCy fanfiction is amazing.


Viktorria is too far, being that she isn't here.

George Harrison's voice is soothing<3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">

power of soul

My. World. Keeps. Tumbling. Down.

Who needs the reasons...
Who tells us why...

I hate all that it has become.

"NOTICE ME. NOTICE ME." My heart says as it beats merciless in your presence.
Smile in my direction at least...

behind a wall of illusion

why must everyone hurt me?
why must they make it a hobby?
a task for personal gain?
they make effort to inflict distress.

I can think of 5 people off the top of my head.

I cannot breathe, and I wish I had someone to talk to.


I wish my homework was done so I can back to sleep.


I legitimately hate life, mine, yours, his, HERS, theirs.

We should all just die.

I'm Done

I'm done with this bullshit
I'm done with absorbing
I'm done with agreeing

I'm done with being let down
I'm done with silly gossip.
I'm done with lies.

I'm done with betrayal
I'm done with crying
I'm done with yelling

I'm done with this
I'm done with that
and most of all,
I'm done with living.

'new post'

I am always drawn to click it.
But when the window comes up, I never know what to write?

Do I fill the box with my unrequited desire?
Do I fill it with witty remarks about the days events?
Do I manipulate lyrics to fit my life, emotions, and feelings?

Do I mention how I feel like a total bitch ignoring my mother?
Do I ask if it is a good idea?


I think I will stick to the first one.

Oh, I am engulfed with lust.
Engrossed with desire

What a fucking creep, they think

I sigh, and of course I agree.

hot child in the city

I wish to be kissed passionately, and perfectly.

So perfectly that I can lose all memories, and all kisses before that.

I have never been kissed that way, please show me what it is like

in rsponse to a blog I wrote earlier

the one with Math and all
it can see if it wants. Math has left m grasp. I'm back to not understanding it, Math that is, not it.
I'm pretty sure no one understands this, which is somewhat good, I guess.
I still do not want iiit, but rather writing. I've always been a fan of writing, you know? Writing, as a broad subject has been my favorite type of English. I specifically like writing notes. So now I want notes. I will do pretty much whatever I can to receive notes.
I still do miss Math though

To rage, or to cry.

That is the question

lately, it is much easier to make me angry.
keep this in mind,

little things that have been triggering my inner rage lately

1) solid, BRIGHT colored pants.
electric blue is not mean to be worn on your legs.
sorry scene kids, give it a rest, for me?
2) alot. ALOT. it isn't a word ALLOT, is a word, a verb to be specific (to divide or distribute by share or portion; distribute or parcel out; apportion) it is "a lot"
3) sophomores.
4) people crowding around, standing in a circular crowd, or in a hallway.
5) this girl. D:<<<
6) my kitten. she's a trouble maker.
7) boys, in general
8) when I cannot sleep
9) when I feel insignificant, like from the hours 7:30am to 3pm
10) being sad
11) the fact that I am so angry these days.
12) not having Viktorria in a class.
13) being lonely

TOP 10 reasons

Why I hate my life

reason one: school, in general, too much of it.
reason two: my classes, my general lack of friends in said classes
reason three: CP Biology with 30 sophomores. 30 sophomores. 30 sophomores.
reason four: lack of Viktorria in my overall life
reason five: mom drama
reason six: I'm unable to draw attention
reason seven: I saw multiple girls with clothing that I own. Or some variation of it
reason eight: fucking heat at school
reason nine: all I want to do is sleep, and school/homework is in the way
reason ten: the amount of little immature children at school blocking my path each day.

at the risk it'd might see

it may see that this is not about it, nope.
this is in fact about math.

math in english.

math being amazingly...gah

anyway, I should not worry that it may see this, because you know, not even they see this.

but if it did, it'd see that I do not care to go forth with it, but in fact, I may transfer my studies to math


enough with that random nonsense.

If I was only allowed to listen to one thing for the rest of m'life, you can bet it'd be the beatles

they have enough songs, it's like the Beatles have their own subgenres.

love it,

just remember, happiness is a warm gun.
good thing I'm not armed.

what.

the ugly one.


.....yeah.











11:11.

I wish for this to be over with before the torture sets in.




I hate my life, my hasty decisions, my looks, my attitude, my stupid sarcasm, and most of all, I hate that I hate myself!
I get it from my mom. I cannot believe she relapsed

I cannot wrap my mind around that

feels like I was just stabbed

I know everyone has their problems, but I can't help but feel that some people have petty little drama immature freshmen-esque fights.
I hate that we all do.
But what I hate is, I don't have anyway to release the resentment, betrayal, abuse, anger, and overall hatred I feel.

I don't wanna talk about it, because then everyone thinks I talk about my issues too much, and besides, this is HIGH SCHOOL. People aren't interested in serious issues, just the petty little drama.
I understand, but I really could use a hug, not any hug, but one that actually says, I'm sorry your mom blew 16 months of sobriety, and I'm sorry that you feel like it's your fault, and I 'm sorry that you always start to trust her again, and then she hurts you so much that you just want to drink til you blackout, just like her.

I don't expect, nor even hope for anyone to do this.
Hugs I receive are not for comforting, and I just want one, once.
It hurts.

hey, YOU

wanna see my glasses?

here are my far away, everyday ones

these are my computer, video games, reading ones

sleep is for smushies

I like to think that I can do this,
this whole not sleep thing


not too sure though.

it is now sunlight!

well, now I'm watching some movies!

maybe I'll convince pops to get me Mickey D's
one could only hope.

Billy gave me this sweet poster, I'm satisfied


I'm gonna get a Reagan cut-out one day.

I studied some of my SAT book. It wasn't terrible.

Lucy is somewhat admirable in Across The Universe
I'm glad we share the name ;)

I've been texting viktorria all night

well, I'm gonna see if my dad is awake!

bright eyes

big city.

Lately I've been thinking


Maybe I should not be doing something that terrible

That is all I have to say

rage!

things that are freaking me out right now:
Starting school
money, or, lack of rather.
that lengthy list of things I need for school
unfinished summer assignments
AP French...
school itself
college. fucking college.
D:<
how is it that I knew where I wanted to go and everything, but now I have no clue.
school, again. I was stoked, and now I am not
I can't draw, or do anything good art-wise
I lost any talent I had.

.....friday I am not doing anything but homework, and saturday I am going to the art museum for hw.
sunday, sunday I shall finish up, and then kill myself.


honestly I had no clue I'd make it this far in life
I thought I was going to die before college, in fact I was sort of relying on it.
Alas, I lived, now I have to deal with this.
I'm on the verge of tears here.

hiya

heh

a few things I'd like to say:

1) Atonement will never cease to amaze me
I really want to read it.
2) I'm gonna get my bellybutton pierced
I really am scared.
................but not of the pain

3) I'm getting my hair dyed.
<----like so
4) Lindsay Lohan is so beautiful, and after Atonement is over, I think I may watch Georgia Rule and ogle her beauty
5) I need to do my summer assignments
6) ************************

78th post

I think that I have come to the conclusion that my kitties aren't fighting
but in fact are play fighting!
after reading countless articles
haha
I feel better

but yeah
That is that

tragic

I do not have much to say, other than the fact that you are nothing more than a minor figment of everything that I thought was true; in reality, it was nothing more than an overextended, intricate, melodious lie.
It was a nice night.

RETURN SWOOP

I LOVE YOU ELISA
I'm so glad you're back, you light up my life
I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you, yes homo <3


love, Vik

watching Help!
:)
wiff Vikky and Catherine



yayyA

:p

Shy That Way. Jason Mraz & Tristan Prettyman

felt like posting... :)
____________________
You know you’re stunning
You’re absolutely stunning
And I’m running always running
And now I’m crying
Iyou know only cause I’m caring
And if you were more daring
Maybe you’d stop staring
And come over and talk to me
Tell me bout how you’ve been waiting so patiently
And how you tried but I just turned away
And I’ll say yeah well you know,
I’m shy that way

Shy that way
Maybe I’m shy that way

Ohh you know you’re stunning
You’re absolutely stunning
But you’re always runnin
But I’ll catch up to you
The way you keep your distance is
Keeping my interest
So I’ll keep it persistent
Ohh maybe someday
Someway, somehow in some town
We’ll get together and
We’ll break it down
And I’ll ask why you ever been
so shy, gotta be that way
Maybe baby, oh love, I like it that way

Shy that way
You know I love you so shy,
Shy that way

So keep it comin comin comin comin
Shy that way

There’s always too much talking
And I wanna just keep walking
But I keep staring baby
Keep staring
Though I may not know the right things to say
I’ll get it out to you one day

I’m shy that way
You’re shy that way
Do you like it
Do you like it?
When I’m shy this way?
Yes I like it
Yes I like it
When you’re shy

Shy that way

I like it
I like it shy
You know it’s alright, it’s ok
Cause we’re
Shy that way…

only to be taken in moderation

I love words
I love reading them
I love writing them
I love hearing them spoken eloquently
I love hearing them sung with passion

I love manipulating them to fit with however you are feeling

Words, words keep me sane

Words, words keep me on track

I love saying something, and knowing just the word to use

I love learning new words

I love my thesaurus

catherine actually reads this!

well, eventful?
no.
but my day was interesting
I am now in Ohio.
again.
fuck. my. life.

I work tomorrow, and then I leave monday OFF TO HOME!

I cannot wait any longer!









miss you vviikkttoorrrriiaa

snogathon

giggling
blushing
totally baffling

surreal

you can never know how I feel

compulsivly

I need to post again, who knows why.



Today I felt like I belonged.

I felt as if that was my natural habitat.

I was at a park/playground

My daddy pushed me on the swing

I played on the merry-go-round

I played on the monkey bars

I admired the beauty surrounding me

I wiggled my toes in the pointy woodchucks

I laid inside of a slide

It was beautiful.

big time, small league

each breath is shallow, and hesitant
each beat is slow, and loud

movements are subtle, and serious
glances are stares, and soft

the situation is dangerous, and cumbersome
the scene is well set, and poorly ended

the hour that went by was only a moment, and over

it didn't happen, was it even supposed to?
what was that....
will we acknowledge it, ever?

cry baby cry

it isn't the same, I understand
I just thought I could come along, and join the journey

leaving

last night, or this morning rather, I was haunted with nightmares.
for some reason, some CRAZY reason, I have bad dreams about the first day of school, every single summer.

onto other things, I think my feelings can be summarized by copy-pasting from a jason mraz song (bright eyes)
"Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends;
The one with the bright eyes..

Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.

There's fear in the truth at hand, frozen I forgot to understand"


well some things do [apply], some don't.

I was supposed to go to some museums today...
I didn't wake up.

Why can't I sleep at night?
AND WHY, why when I do finally sleep, from pure exhaustion, do I get haunted?
There is no safe place for me, even in my dreams.

At least I have music....
music that I mentally manipulate to fit my situation

I don't draw much anymore, I don't think I'm very good at it anymore

this new found lack of talent probably has to do with my gaining weight
it threw off the balance.

man, I miss her, her, and the other her too.

more thoughts

when is the risk worth it?
when is it worth the risk?
I am positive it isn't now.

I lay down at night, close my eyes
and BOOM my mind gets raped.

thoughts on top of thoughts,
it's fucking too much

I was up til 5:30am, thinking

did I resolve anything?
nope.

would I like to share what I was thinking about?
not really.

they're coming to get me.
the aliens that I've buried deep within the darkest corners of my mind, they are emerging, with vengeance in hand, and destruction at heart.
they drag up my emotions, mix them with crazy things, and then laugh.
laugh so hard, so eerily. I can almost hear the laughter in the silent darkness that is my room. I put the blanket over my head, as if that would help...
I'm not crazy, I promise.

for you, California and so forth

give it up, give it up
start over
clean slate
it's not worth it!

who must you prove yourself to, if not yourself?

this is all completely irrelevant

I'm leaving on the 3rd, see you soon California
see you soon fate
see you soon heartbreak
see you soon

pain...
it is almost contagious
romance is outrageous

boys, girls, family, friends
pain, pain, pain, pain

must it be any more obvious?
must you be any bit less oblivious?

I will see you soon
but I will leave you soon.

wisdom?

while they get drunk, faded, hyphy, and stupid
I sit and think, with my family, my blood.
I wonder if I am torn, I decide it's possible

I miss it each day
getting high, hanging out
without a care in the whole world

In a flash I realize the contradictions
I need to succeed
I have to go to college
I need to buckle down and focus

I cannot betray them
I cannot lie to him
I mustn't do that

I don't want to sit back and watch it all pass by my eyes
but i don't want to sit back and get high while my future passes by

Is there a balance?
Even if there was, I'd be lying

I have no idea
what is going
on in my
mind these days


on top of it all, I have some sort of infatuation with this certain thing, guy.

I am out of place, and of thought

blah

I feel as if I should write, but I don't know what I should write!

Cat updates

Well.
My dad is driving to Ohio, WITH MY LILLIE! (big cat, old cat)

and my baby kitty is so cute.
i've narrowed down her names!
Mars
Yesterday
Reagan
any opinions?



I miss california, it is always raining here, and its cold, people get excited when it's 70 degrees!
:O
my granma is so wonderful though, and my mom... sortsa.
but I miss my viktorrrriiiaaaahhhahhahhhh D:

I still need to fill my new phone with contacts
Text me with your name, so I can add it :)

check out mah baby
possible names:
Reagan
Daisy
Sunny
Dreamy
foxy

i like dreamy...
maybe Dreamy Reagan?

oh, hi, ho!

Each time I step outside I am greeted with a breeze,
and the weather is 71 degrees.
I have no one here, other than my mother,
I don't mind, I just wish there was another.

I miss my Viktorria, also my father
my cat too, but I wont bother.
That is a stanza for another time,
now let me make this line rhyme.

Onto onto a whole new topic,
do not be mistaken, I am not homesick.
It's just that there is nothing to do,
as far as fun goes, Ohio is being a "jew"

Now, I know if Viktorria is reading this,
she smiled at that, maybe even let out a chuckle
It is her laughter that I mostly miss,
the sweet, sweet snort, beautiful chortle.

<3

wondering

when did these become notes?
why did these become less about feelings, and more about hurting them?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
anyway.


im leaving thursday morning
i sort of wish it was for good.

I'm absolutely looking forward to a new me, one no one knows.
not even her.
i can meet more people as this new person.
no judgment of my change

I'm looking backward on this whole thing, who knows.
i love her, and will miss her uncontrollably.
if anything happens, drastic, i may have to fly back and kick some ass

the only care i have is my friend and my family.
but, oddly enough, they are the same.
now, I'm going insane, and this is a crazy rant.
i love you, and her, and them.

TRUTH IS:

I am absolutely envious of their friendship

I wish we were still

I am absolutely envious of the way you can manipulate colors to say what words cannot

I wish I had the talent

I am absolutely envious of the way she can write

I wish I would have done it

I am absolutely envious of her opportunities

I wish I would have learned

I am absolutely envious of their romance

I wish that I could have one

I am not at all envious of all the lies
I'm completely grateful for what I have with her, and not you.

I am not at all envious of your losses
Is it even worth it in the end?

I am not at all envious of the work
Although, I am envious of the passion

I am not at all envious of her mistakes
But I would have made the same

I am not at all envious of the drama
Honestly, I am not worth his time

drastically

fantastically


broken lust

spoken trust

why must you lie?

so uptight

so downloose.

kiss a bird, hug a cloud
be so high, you cannot see the ground
I'm not talking about drugs, let it be natural
eu-phor-ia

laugh for no reason,
smile from ear to ear
please, be happy.

just for me?

cold

i swear i was going to type a genius poem, with a little quirky hidden meaning, and it was going to be for you, and you were going to be mesmerized, i swear! but then, i realized that you are in my mind, and that you will never even read this. it was at that point that i forgot what i was going to type.


i love when you pass by
i hate when you pass me by

i killed her too, and it was great

you cried, laughed, and then you kissed your left index finger.

sound familiar?

one more thing
joy I could bring

my lust is never-ending
my plan is just beginning

crazy as it seems
it'll burst at it's seams

mingling, tingling,
shakes, stutters
nervous laughs

undressing this moment, caressing each statement

sensible nonsense, making no sense: haunting your conscience

nonsense playing again again again and again

coughing in the background, my glasses fogging in the meantime

my soul leeching onto anyone's, absorbing their vitality, to cover up what I lack

though I don't need it, I take what you cant have

beauty radiates off the girl nearest me, I mentally steal each piece of her gorgeousness

you smile, make it all worthwhile.

he laughs, making me blush.

she comes back, and that's that.

slowly

surely you know.
Shirley, please?

List, lust
trust, exist.

befriend, amend

be alive!
....STRIVE!

dance? Not a chance.

kissed, never. assist, endeavor!

romeo, romeo, romance BINGO!

make no sense, take this nonsense

nonchalant smile... a mile to flaunt

flawless, happiness

left in the rain, i may go insane

this is all a silly game; Willy, will he ever be tame?

lifted, definitely not gifted

sifted through them, found the gem

lastly, i love you.
you, love, i
not him, not her.
THEM.

one of

from afar, I see your manly stance
from afar, I shoot you a seductive glance

up close, you look so far
up close, I appear bizarre

doesn't matter either way
I will never know what to say

u___________________u

it's odd, I cannot seem to sleep
and the only time I wish to go on myspace, it doesn't work.
the house is too hot, and I'm too hungry
also,too tired
but I can't sleep.
my nose is too runny,
and my friend's heart is too destroyed.

the screen, too bright
the sky, not enough night.
it's already the next day
that is not all comforting

it is so hot, the keys are hot,
my head is hot
the house is hot
screen is hot
sleep, i will not

tomorrow is....thursday
sneeze i am.
it's so hot, i have to depart
i may have to wake my dad, and file a complaint

burdened with murder

laden with hearsay

haunting me ever so much
aching ever so slightly
shaking my soul
flaunting your horrendous accomplishments

killing my tremendous soul
ending all that I believe in
sending the wrong message
chilling all the spines around

wishing all the signs away
singing each line abruptly
clinging onto each hope
fishing for a reason to exist

counting on the season to flee
kissing the dreams farewell
missing each opportunity
mounting each peak with such pain

hit it

just ask the axis.

achoo

you are:
unobtainable
inaccessible
distant
unachievable
insurmountable
unattainable
inapproachable

I am:
dreadful

lust

CALENDER.

May 28th, math final
June 12th, school's out
June 15th, I go to cleveland
August 10th, I return




somewhere in there, it will happen, I will succeed in everything that I try.

;D

fuck

so, i have a research paper to write, but of course my word trial is up. my paper is due today but i ditched, and im not sure i can ditch again friday.
shit, fuck
i have the worst luck

Across from me
there you are
stare into my soul
take me away

let me be free
cleanse the scar
take control
tell me what to say

make me see
take me to a star
show me a wormhole
tell me it is okay

when it's all said and done
tell me it has just begun
make promises to be broken
let's ditch romance to go smokin'

fresh start

i've been given a fresh start for my life.
whether or not i wanted it.
no more weed, ever.
my life has changed.

::)

i miss her!
hah, and also


COACHELLA TOMORROW!

i'm gawna wear a dress, and some boots

very taylor swift-esque!
;)

saooo stuhhooooked!

sneeze

She is my better half, and my have-to-have.
I love each moment we spend, and each text we send.
I love that she's my best friend, and that she will be until the end!
I love that we write in our book, and that no one can look....
She makes me smile, and each one is worthwhile.
She'll wear a bra-strap on her head, and she'll jump on my bed.
She listens to my rants, and insinuates that we should have a homoerotic romance.
She hangs out with me when I'm dying, and she comforts me when I'm crying.
She never fails to make me laugh, and she does things on my behalf.

Truth is, she is one of the best things to happen to me, and I want everyone in the whole world to see!

does anyone read this?

So, I'm sick ):

my throat hurts like a bitch.

I am like, dying of chills.

ANYWAY.

I have YET ANOTHER SURGERY on April 2nd, I'm not excited.

Totally ruined my weekend plans.

it is alright though.

I weigh 107.6 pounds. In case you were wondering.
I feel so fat though, it doesn't make sense.

I am the luckiest girl in the world....

Well, almost.


I want to write a little poem about my emotions, about everything
But I cannot admit it to it.

my space bar is broken, whutta BITCH.

:)

today was impossibly long.

i'm so exhausted!

i cannot wait til this weekend,
but yeah.

so...

Life is turning out to be amazing.
so wonderful, i could just sing

i love each moment i live,
my smiles aren't even fictive.

the happiness is everlasting,
despite the hurt you've been casting

Pledge to Be Proud

Flags waving,
People pledging

Diverse people.

Each have different backgrounds,
But each have the same future

the future is freedom, and pride

It is a beautiful site
3 kids in a kindergarten class
all pledge to the flag, all unsure of what they want to be.
one could be the president, running the beautiful nation
one could be the congressman that writes up the bills
one could be the voter filling out a ballot, and electing these officials

they may not aspire to do these things, but the opportunities are given

no matter your skin
no matter your ancestors
no matter your sex

the flag will always wave,
I will always pledge

slept away

ideally
in a perfect world.

but that is not what we live in.
That is not what we have

I do not get what I want
instead I have to be awake.
Instead I have to not get that.
get it, you get it?

I admire that.
I want that.
But it is not within my grasp
so, instead I settle.
I settle with being awake.

But that's okay.
I still get wonderful things
like my accomplices, and accomplishments

accomplices, accompany me, in my wrongdoings

they also are my colleagues, helping me in right-doings.

together, her and I, and them and I, we shall fix this, or make it worse.
It does not really matter, as long as we're in control.


world domination is not what I speak of.
Instead I speak of sleeping. Sleeping all day long.
just dream up anything, and everything.

Do not fear the nightmares. They are only your deepest fears, and once you sleep all day, you will never experience real fears, real tragedies ever again.
You can dream up, concoct that person to never betray you.

Almost

delayed to a great extent
there it sits, almost as a symbol of my future

smoked to a greater extent
there it burns, almost as a symbol of my apathy

listened to a greatest extent
there it plays, almost as a symbol of my life

But not quite, because I will get up, and I get going.

my one true love

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh yesterday came suddenly.....
Why she had to go I don't know. She wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday,
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh I believe in yesterday.....

hunger

I seem to have lost my inspiration.

I miss Anahi, but I doubt she notices.

I wish I could sit here, and genuinely smile.

I love life, but, a lot is missing.


goodnight.






each night i am haunted with nightmares
i'm afraid to fall asleep.
each night my fears come to life, and haunt me.
each night, i see her stare down my soul, and devour each and every piece of me.
each night i live a completely unfulfilled, worthless life.
each night it starts over again.
each wall in my dream is coated in red.
each hall is long and seemingly endless.

yawn

do it.
louder,
i'll always doubt'er


For some reason each time i go to class, a Beatles' song delineates my path.
Except, it doesn't have anything to do with what I'm doing, so it's essentially just music playing in my head on my way to class. It also isn't always a Beatles' song, it also happens to be some derivative of the Beatles, some times it's a George Harrison Song, and others, it's a Paul McCartney song.
but it always follows a schedule.
the schedule is as follows:

PERIOD I'M GOING TO|SONG THAT'S PLAYING
first period(US History) ............| I Should Have Known Better (The Beatles)
second(French III) ....................| All Those Years Ago (George Harrison)
third(Chemistry) .......................| Hold Me Tight (The Beatles)
fourth(Advanced Algebra) .......| It's Only Love(The Beatles)
fifth(English) ..............................| Say Say Say(Paul McCartney)
sixth(Art) ...................................| I've Got My Mind Set On You(George Harrison)
on my way to the car ................| Maybe I'm Amazed, also, Live and Let Die(both Paul McCartney)











ANYWAY, I am totally bored, and wasting my Saturday night, but I don't have much else to do.
i've been reading xkcd.com comics, pretty funny :)

older shit

My migraine just seems to get worse by the second.
The throbbing goes along with "Now You're Gone" by Basshunter
it's quite enjoyable
well, about as enjoyable as a migraine gets.
I feel empty inside.
her words seem to follow me in my sleep, and when they're not following, they're keeping me up.
"Elisa ENJOY the journey of life, every bend is a new path, a new joy to discover, you'll find every moment has a divine PURPOSE, LIVE LIFE!"
yeah, sure. well, this journey is too hard to go at alone
I wish I had someone, or something to help me in this gay journey.
but, all I have is my princess, Lillie. she's the only one who doesnt have a problem of her own. she seems to listen so well too. She just plops down and purrs, as if her mission in life was to listen.
I don't want school to start. I don't wanna face that stupid drama again.
People really piss me off, the worse part is, no has done anything to actually anger me. Its like, seeing someone breathing, and being happy makes me clench my jaw. I'm not sad or anything, I just get angry. The thing that angers me the most is that people actually pretend to care. Its like, okay, you are so transparent. Its so obvious you don't care. Just leave me alone.
I honestly just want to go to Canada and escape this. I honestly want to be a lawyer and everything, but if i have to go through this to get there, I'm starting to wonder if its worth it. High school is the pure insanity. How so many people can be so judging is beyond me. Its like a fucking grand jury of KKK members, and I'm the black person on trial.
And the worst part is, I just want him. I don't know who he is yet. I just know I want him.

old shit man

[23 Aug 2008 | Saturday] 09:22

another crazy AM suhp? :) dawg, i feel crazy discontent. idk. cant wait for school :O not really but i wanna meet new people, y'know? well, im not even tired, but sleep is my best bet. life is so flipflopped these days its like, left is right, right is up i think im going to write poems again yeah, i think i will i am also quite indecisive its like, do i want to breath? and i cant make up my mind i never know if what i feel is real like my emotions are tricking me its really odd i feel off. like, im balancing on my leg, and my bad leg at that and its fucking pissing me off that my "i"s are lowercased but im far too lazy to fix 'em all. my thoughts are fucked man. not like bad, but not straight but not like, homo thoughts just not clear its like my brain needs some windex, y'know? maybe meeting new people will be like, my windex or maybe writing poems again.... kay, well i guess i should go to sleep if i can. idk there isnt anything on my mind, but i still manage to not sleep i wish i was 4 again i could play with my toys, and play with billy and walk to the park in new york city and live i havent felt the simple joy of almost touching the big tree with my little feet in awhile. i wonder if that park is still there, with the same swingset that made my afternoon it was my spot of sincere serenity, my north star in my busy night sky i just never knew haa. to be four again......

breathe

Breathe

inhale,
boy does it feel nice to think
exhale.
if only I knew how to solve problems
inhale,
I'm very afraid of what happens next
exhale.
The only calm in this storm is my ability to clear my brain
inhale,
with each breath, is a clear thought.
exhale.
Oh wow, the world. oh look a child. the world is busy. the child fell. busy world messes up. should i help the child. messes up my thoughts. STOP.
breathe,
inhale, exhale. calm the storm. inhale, exhale.

The Secret Goldfish

Chapter 1

It was a cool October day, and there was a young boy, no older than ten, outside in the front lawn of a house raking leaves. An activity that is very common in autumn, especially in the suburbs. The boy’s name is Daniel, he is saving money to buy a goldfish, hence the leaf raking. Daniel, or Danny, really wants to buy this goldfish, but his parents are forcing him to prove that he is responsible enough to have a fish by making him save up the money himself. They have their doubts about his responsibility because his toys are always broken, and his games are always missing pieces. What they do not know is that Daniel is not the one doing this, his older brother Adam is accidentally breaking his toys, and then soon after, he blames Daniel, because he does not want to get in trouble.

Chapter 2

Daniel has now saved up just enough money to get a goldfish. His father drives him to the pet store. The car ride was the happiest journey that Daniel ever embarked on. As the lines moved on the roads, and as the trees flew by his window, all he could think about was his goldfish. He went over each potential name in his head, he was filled with discontent, and he wasn’t sure what he was going to call his new fish. He soon arrived at the pet store. He jumped out of the car, slammed the door closed with out locking it, and ran like he was escaping someone’s evil clutches. He ran through the parking lot, angering his father, and he continued to run all the way to the front door. He flew past an elderly couple with a dog, and rudely didn’t hold the door open for them. If it was a normal day, he would have, but right now, politeness was the last thing on his mind. His young, big eyes searched the store. His heart jumped when he found the fish department. His father finally caught up to Daniel, and escorted his extremely eager son over to the glass covered wall filled with millions of prospective friends for the ten year old boy. Daniel studied each and every fish, he was admiring each one. His eyes lit up when he saw it, he not only saw the fish he wanted, but he also saw his new best friend, and he saw their future together. At that very moment, he knew what he was going to call him. He was to call his new best friend Clandestine. He also realized that he wanted to keep his best friend to himself; he was not going to let any one see or admire Clandestine, especially not his older brother Adam.

Chapter 3

Over the weeks, his secret goldfish was talked about all through the house. Daniel kept little Clandestine up in his room on his night stand, and every night he would cover up the fish’s bowl with a small green cloth. No one had seen Clandestine, with the exception of Daniel’s father, who was there when he picked the fish out. Adam was getting antsy, he was really annoyed. All Daniel talked about was how great Clandestine was, and how beautiful Clandestine was. Adam really wanted to see the fish for himself; he wanted to admire the fish too. All he wanted was one measly, little glance! Adam concocted a seemingly brilliant plan, he would sneak into Daniels room when he was sleeping, and look at Clandestine. Two days later, at approximately ten-thirty PM, Adam got out of bed and slowly crept out of his room. He saw Daniel’s room across the hall. He slowly reached the pine door that belonged to Clandestine and Daniel’s room. He gently pushed open the door, hoping to avoid loud creaking, but to his dismay, the door let out a slight creaky noise. He peered around the room to see if Daniel heard the noise. It appeared as if Daniel didn’t hear it. Daniel did though, and he woke up.

Chapter 4

Daniel just lay there, facing his beautiful fish, and waited silently. He heard Adam tip toe over to the nightstand. He saw Adam’s hand reach over to uncover the fortress that held Clandestine. Daniel could not watch any longer, he let out a scream. Adam, startled by the yelp, fell down. As he was getting up, he told Daniel to be quiet. Daniel went to let out another yell, but was muted by Adam’s clammy hand, the same one that almost unveiled Daniel’s beloved. Once Adam saw that Daniel was calmed down, he released his hand from his mouth. Right After doing so, he asked his younger brother why he was not allowed to look at Clandestine. Daniel was still raving with anger; therefore, stayed quiet. Adam asked again, to no avail. Daniel took a few more minutes before he explained himself. He told Adam that Clandestine was his fish, not Adam’s. He also explained that he loved it so much, and no one else was allowed to look at it, or love it. Not even Adam. Adam didn’t quite understand this logic. He told Daniel that if you love something, or someone, you should let everyone see it. You should show the world how proud you are, and what you’re proud of. He went on to say that if Clandestine is so remarkably beautiful, everyone should see it. Daniel understood, but still had his doubts. He explained to Adam that he was afraid that his fish would end up loving someone else more, and then Clandestine would want to be someone else’s fish, and would leave him. Adam almost wanted to laugh at that remark; he didn’t think that fish really experienced emotions. He humored Daniel though, and said that there is no way that a fish could run away. Daniel was offended, how stupid did Adam think he was? Daniel told Adam that he was more worried that Clandestine was going to secretly long to be someone else’s fish, and that he was worried that Clandestine was going to never be happy again. Adam sighed, and said to Daniel that he is going to have to take that chance. He also said that the odds of Daniel’s fish loving anyone more than he loves Daniel were slim. Daniel let a tear stream down his cheek, he was anxious. He got off of his bed, and got over his fear. He uncovered his fish, and made himself vulnerable to rejection. Adam smiled at his brother, and then took in all of the majestic beauty that Clandestine had to offer. Daniel sat back down on his bed with his brother, they both sat there in utter silence, admiring Clandestine.

scavenger hunt!

1. What are the eastern conference basketball standings, as of today, February 13th 2009.

2. What are five synonyms and one antonym for the word "love"
(because it is almost valentines day and all)

3. What conservative blog features "the elephant trunk" and also has an entry about Ronald Reagan's should have been 98th birthday?

4. Where could you find information about drugs, their effects, and how long they last?

5. According to Urban Dictionary, Canada is what to America?

6. Also according to Urban Dictionary, Mexico is what to America?

7. How tall was the 31st president of the U.S.?

8. Which stone are they talking about "The water content is usually between three and ten percent, but can be as high as twenty percent."
hint: Australia's national gemstone

9. Which suburb of Chicago, as of the 2000 census, the city had a total population of 19,515?
hint: In Kane County

10. Born November 23, 1859(1859-11-23)Bor, which American frontier outlaw, according to legend killed 21 people, one for each year of his life?

11. What two movies did the actor that played opposite of River Phoenix in the drama My Own Private Idaho star in during 1995?

12. Lastly, what are 7 indications that someone has been doing meth?

zyx

I doubt you'll read this, I doubt that you care
I just want you to know that I love you, and I will always be there
If for some reason I'm not,
Just know I'm there in thought.

Say what you wish,
Think what you need
I am more than a bit skittish
You were once my steed

I strive for your acceptance
You were once my friend
Now there is an infinite distance
I am aware that this has come to an end

In the car crash that is I
You were once the air bag
Now you are everyone that passes by
There is an apparent lag

The vexation between us
The hatred you feel
Even though there was definite bias
It was I behind the wheel

stupid lying slut

Fun times accompany the sorrow
or is it rather that the sorrow accompanies the fun?
either way, I am saddened. You have demolished my soul.
I let you back in, you broke my heart again on your way out.
I do not know why you insist that I did something to you.
I do not understand, for the only thing I did was like someone.
I miss you, but you are an ass, alas alas.

मय्बे

interesting enough

repressed

i find it awfully strange
so odd that these thoughts are surfacing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
irrelevant poem...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She took it all too serious
She thought it was definite
The irony is the only definite thing is the end

Its up to them if the end is happy or tragic
I'm afraid that the odds of a so called happy ending are so little that there is no point

Everyone says I don't understand
And I don't
And I don't ever want to