...And a Happy New Year

So, I haven't been around for awhile... But, I would if I had a computer...
Tragic accidents have taken that luxury from me, oh well.

It's weird, when I do have a computer available, I never know what to do with it now.

So, I have a list!

-School
-Mom
-Brother
-CHRISTMAS
-Art
and, I'll finish with whatever I forgot



>Let's start with school.
As you may, or may not know, I did have plans for after high school.
I was going to go to the Art Institute but I changed my mind (something us women are good at).
I always had a plan, but I never want to follow through with it. Kind of like right now, I really don't feel like explaining anything at all, or talking about anything I just listed. So, meh.

IMG00239-20101204-0031.jpg

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Today

Today was a great day.
I will elaborate further tomorrow...
For now, I'll sleep

When the Lights Go Out, We're All Alone

I want something new.

I'm tired of waiting around for it. For everything. For letters, for excitement, for holidays, for happiness...

I wish I could sleep at night

The problem with humanity is...

Most women want to experience love, true love, sometime in their life.
Most men want to have sex, lots of sex, all throughout their life.

This is a test.

A test to see if I can now blog via blackberry...

Rosy

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad because you have seemingly replaced me

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad because you never show up for pudding anymore

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad because you have something to live for--and it's not me

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad because I'm jealous

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad because that's the only way I wouldn't miss you as much as I do

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad but I can't because I have no real reason to

I want to be mad at you
I want to be mad but I can't because I love you

I am mad at myself
I am mad because it's easier than crying

Pity

It honestly hurts.

Good Morning

What am I supposed to say in this sort of situation?

Sometimes

I really have to question everything these days.
I've never seen anyone successfully be in love, and quite frankly, I'm starting to wonder if it's because love isn't anything special.
People may not know what the hell they are doing, but as long as they enjoy doing it, it's love...
Right?
What happens when it's not fun? Break up? Counseling?
Who cares, it hasn't gotten to me yet, and I don't plan on letting it!

One thing

and that is all.

Waiting for my plot twist...

If I could, I would definitely pick up my life and hold it upside-down until all the snow landed on the ceiling of my globe... then, after each and every fleck has fallen, I would set it back down. Not necessarily shaking things up as much as just making it fall different. This way I don't run into the same fake flake of snow in the same spot everyday. I need something to happen. I need a purpose again, and I really don't want it to be a boy of some sort. I am sick and tired of my purpose being dependent on getting someone to like me, or figuring out if I like someone back. Fuck that. If there is going to be a boy, it damn well better be on my terms this time. I want a new person, too. This valley is a recycling bin of people. Haven't seen a new person that someone hasn't seen before, or dated, or new someone who's mother works with their dad... I'm done with some how knowing someone before even meeting them. Just today, I was talking to a man and it turns out, I went to middle school and high school with his son. His son was the first person I thought I liked...Of course I didn't tell him this, but still. I met this man at my dad's work! I really miss having my phone around too. But, seriously, I know the budget and calendar up until January... I need something new, something needs to be brought in new. I miss my talent, I don't honestly think I ever had any... Foolish choice, I made

break of dawn

The blonde is setting in...
I'm transforming myself seconds after the last,
Avoiding the future, ignoring the past.
Wish I had more clothes to cover my sin

Sleepless nights bring long afternoons-
Mourning a loss of another morning

overwhelmed

I hate technology,
there is no need to be this connected.

I'm tired of checking up on things, daily.

I'm done with it... may have to uninstall facebook on my phone.

Close me in

Trapped in a class enclave
Beyond expression...
Now there's nowhere to brave
Brace for the oncoming whirlwind of depression

Broken up inside, nowhere left to hide
Glasses broken, Stolen token

Token of dreams, a false reality it seems
Worlds unraveling, sadness ripping the seams
Silent traveling, it won't be long now
It's shameful how...

Dreaming for an escape
Stuck on display
Never ending security tape
It's watched ev'ry single day

Even if I had the will
There would certainly be no place
Words remain inside, planted to kill
Writing them down with unnecessary haste

Broken up inside, nowhere left to hide
The glass is broken, lost your token

Token of reality, Sunken dreams
Her words unraveled, disappointment gleams
Stealth wore out, it cannotbe long now
Oh, isn't it a pity how...

Regrets leave a void
The words fill the flute of your finest champagne
Instinctively try to avoid
Let's not take that walk down memory lane...

Skip the pebble on her lake of a heart
Throw the stone into the vast space of her soul
Pitch the rock of reality, ripping it all apart
Soon enough 'til she returns what she stole

No sense waiting around, listening to unrequited sound
Destroyed inside, nothing left to hide
Love went uncited
She just laughed and sighed,
Selflessly selfish

Broken up inside, everything she must hide
Glasses broken
Dreams rip away, reality is here to stay

Sweet Escape

Sleep is the one thing that doesn't get complicated.
My bed will always be there for me, and it wont want anything more
Sometimes, so will the living room floor.
18 hours at a time; oh how sleep is underrated!

I never understood those cats of mine...
Sleep all day, sleep all night
But now I see it, they have it all right.
I could get use to this life, just fine!

something

I felt as if I should say something.
Echo....

Dark

Isn't it awfully funny how we regret things after we fully enjoyed doing them?
Or is it that we convince ourselves that we are enjoying it in hopes of not regretting it when it is all said and done; yet we know our plan and just end up regretting it?

Contagious

they all say we're meant to be
I say you're just not for me
I act like I have no clue
but that's just not how I look at you

in all reality, it's been thought
when not around, I agree
but then when your glance is caught
I wish I could not see

Sounds terrible, horrendous
but, friendship wont end us
I love you, you're tremendous
can you keep feelings hushed?

DHENNY♥

<--- Yeah, I love David Henrie
He's painfully attractive :p



and in other news...
well, I honestly don't feel too much like talking ;D

I Don't Wanna be Friends

Firstly, I love how much I'm still treated like a child; I can't be trusted with an open container. He didn't drive off until I had drunk enough that it wouldn't spill.

Secondly, I love how I can't say things on his day off without some sort of snarky remark. He can say the snidest things, then ignoring the aforementioned comment, he carries on with the conversation; leaving me with the seared flesh. Then he'd complain about the smell...

Thirdly, SHE WOULD GO INTO A WOMEN'S CENTER AFTER SCREWING ME OVER.

Fourthly, I have 2 weeks to get through to him before she comes back.

Fifthly, I need a job!

1 year ♥

http://livelifeelisa.blogspot.com/2009/07/check-out-mah-baby-possible-names.html
THIS EXACT DAY, LAST YEAR, I GOT ZOEY.
And to think I almost named her Dreamy Reagan :p
in honor of this occasion, I shall present many pictures of her and I.
I see now, that she has grown. Though she is still small

Conversation with my dearest Anahi

Anahi<3 11:06 pm
(11:06:56 PM): hahahahahaah

(11:07:01 PM): *sigh*

(11:07:07 PM): happiness runs in a circular motion

(11:07:12 PM): happiness runs happiness runs
YahhLikeTotally 11:07 pm
(11:07:19 PM): no, it's constant

(11:07:35 PM): once you're truly happy, it is nearly impossible for it to completely slip away

(11:07:52 PM): there is always a reason to be happy, and if you can't find one, you've never been truly happy
Anahi<3 11:07 pm
(11:07:55 PM): hmm (:
YahhLikeTotally 11:08 pm
(11:08:25 PM): I believe that with every bit of my being

(11:08:32 PM): and let me tell you something, anahi

(11:08:36 PM): I'm always happy
Anahi<3 11:08 pm
(11:08:53 PM): that's wonderful

(11:08:54 PM): just
Anahi<3 11:08 pm
(11:08:57 PM): im just so happy for you

(11:08:58 PM): <3
YahhLikeTotally 11:09 pm
(11:09:54 PM): ....you're always happy too

(11:09:58 PM): my dad notices it

(11:10:01 PM): and I do too
Anahi<3 11:10 pm
(11:10:09 PM): really? hahaha
YahhLikeTotally 11:10 pm
(11:10:10 PM): even if something shitty is happening, you always find a reason

(11:10:12 PM): to be happy
Anahi<3 11:10 pm
(11:10:14 PM): what's your pops say?
YahhLikeTotally 11:10 pm
(11:10:14 PM): always.

(11:10:21 PM): he says you're always happy

(11:10:22 PM): haha
Anahi<3 11:10 pm
(11:10:30 PM): hahah awwww i love him, and you and just

(11:10:32 PM): everything
YahhLikeTotally 11:10 pm
(11:10:36 PM): <3

Wasting my time

So, I forgot what I was going to write upon seeing this picture.

I've been drawing a lot lately, let's see how this goes.

pointless, yet somewhate pointful

I try to make out paths cross, but alas, that fails
Over trying to get you to notice me
Under you is where I want to be
haha, LOL JK sex is bad.

crushing me

like the heaviest weight pushing down on me
harder and harder
let me breathe?
I'm happy under this anvil, you've no clue!
but, I need a gasp in, here and there
I don't mind all my major internal organs being crushed
Honest, thank you for dropping this on me.
I hope you come back to see that it landed
If not, at least come back and take this thing off me

pixxxx

GUESS WHO GOT A TATTOO?

Meee!

pictures coming very soon

how to make crushed ice tired tea

My night may've just been that perf'ly nice
Now I must lay in bed and try to sleep.
Honestly what life needed, certain spice
Place silly thoughts in my restless head, steep

I've fallen asleep now, and dreaming too
Dreams are becoming as nice as that night
I mustn't wake until it all comes true
Silly thoughts leave now, this is not a'right

And wake up I did, 'twas only a dream
Haunted with a kiss each and ev'ry night
Since we have yet to, foolish this does seem
These same silly thoughts are fought by daylight

With sunrise comes the grave reality
The knight of my night, prince of my pillow.
'Cross the hall, a silent request: "kiss me"
Silly thoughts ignored now'll bring the night's show

summer plans

read:
any book that I haven't by graduation
see earlier list, plus a few
watch:
chowder
crashbox
georgia rule
play:
halo 3
draw:
everything ;D
travel:
ohio (may stay for 1 month)
pennsylvania
new york
massachusetts
alaska ((I WISH.))

ehh, lots more, just needed a quick jot down of things somewhere
lost my sticky notes

also, too lazy to properly capitalize those things

as my sweat acts as fire starting fluid

my skin trembles, it's just too hot.
the sun beats down, ignoring it's near set


OH SHIT. REAL LIFE REALIZATION INTERRUPTION!

Alright, there was a time, long ago *see february blogs* where I was all sad, and broken up about a certain man destroying me!
I used the Beatles *George Harrison's* 'I Need You' in order to cope, and relate.
silly me, thinking I neeeded him. pft

let us revisit a bit of the song before I continue:
"But when you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore.
That's when it hurt me.
And feeling like this, I just can't go on anymore.
Please remember how I feel about you.
I could never really live without you.
So, come on back and see just what you mean to me.
I need you. I need you. I need you"

alright, well time passed, and *gasp* !!!SPOILER ALERT!!!I can go on without him, and I DDDIIID!
as some may know (VIK) he called me recently, begging me back
and just now, this BEATLES song popped in my head, probably because I was listening to it an'all.
'For No One'
let us observe:
"Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind her tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
You think she needs you"

oh GOD. This is like the phone conversation I had!
didn't believe that I moved on, that I didn't need him. He totally still thinks I do -_-

clean my room? pft

ALRIGHT, I've got to clean up in here.

The butterfly after this, has to be the last
There couldn't possibly be enough room for another
My stomach is filled to the brim

With each glance, a decade has pass'd
Daydreaming a possible lover
Wishing it'd be him

Blushing isn't something I frequent
But then again, he isn't my usual type
The brooding lustrous aura about

I swear, the beauty of it is brilliant
Cheesy as it is, I'd hit it like a pipe.
I think we're meant, no doubt

MORE PROM? 'KAY!

why is she creeping?













*pout-y*

promish

sluts!

Thought you not much more than a long had attraction
But though, acting on it would divulge great satisfaction.

Feeling your lips on my skin
God knows it'd be quite the sin
But no matter, I desire nothing short of this
Use my body for tantalizing bliss

It'd be as innocent as this dirty obsession
Tracing my flesh, sighing at each regression
Granted conversation, we never shared
To be honest, I've never cared.

Skip this petty question and answer game
Just know me well enough to moan my name
Let this be what it is and nothing more
Getting to know each other seems a bore

I miss you ♥

so far...

clapton
animal farm
atonement
huckleberry fin

there are more too, just can't think right now

Control

I realize now that the skeletons in my closet will certainly hinder my political career
I notice now that the life I am living will just create more things to call me out on

I think that I miss not eating, this is a silly declaration, if called that.
I was so strong willed, stuck to my guns, and just stayed tough.

I want to be somewhere else, but I can't leave
Leaving her behind would just be cruel to myself and, of course, to her.

Waking up will never be as hard as it will tomorrow.
Luck cannot be wished, unless it comes with knowledge

When we meet.....

♥

It's breaking my heart and my world half in two...

SO I HAVE THE BEST IDEA FOR A SHORT STORY OF SOME SORT

OH SHIT

OR RATHER, A REAL NICE EPIC POEM

.....I will definitely work on that after AP tests and my art shit......

My shot heard 'round the world....
hehe
It'll write itself!

I have so much to write about but I don't feel much like writing it out as of now

Brad Vs. Tim

that's a tough one!
;)
WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE TO BE SO MARRIED?
hahah

anyway...
I swear I had something of value to type, but I got caught up by this man(see attached image of Brad Paisley) singing "Me Neither"

oh wellllll


goodnight♥

"Don't you remember..."

What about all those weeks we shared, the late nights, the thursday afternoons?
I wish I could say that I understand why you're still doing this, but it was my birthday
and birthdays are somewhat of a big deal... Remember yours?
All I'm saying is that you could've shot a happy birthday my way... :/

AND YOU TOO.
You talked a lot, you had some good lines, got somewhere, I guess, and now... and now you're not even gonna acknowledge me?

pft, whateeeeeeeeeeeever.


"I miss back when"

I thought you said it was easy...

yeah, that'd be a Miley Cyrus lyric...
:p

AH, ANYWAY.

Seeing all the stuff at the Reagan Library really sparked something within me, I mean, I hate when there is something that I can't do. I lose sleep over the fact that I will not be able to go into space one day. Anyway, the point is, I hate that I won't be in the Oval Office anytime soon... Made me want to be president even more... Yeah, I'll admit it, I may not like Obama, but the fact that an idiot made it into office, well, rather, another idiot(sorry, Bush...) made me think, you know, I could do that...
I REALLY WANT TO. I was in Government class yesterday, and I had not said anything to anyone about my silly presidential aspirations mind you, and this kid turns around, and out came the sweetest words... something along the lines of "Elisa, you really should be president one day, I think you should be the first woman president...I'd vote for you" and someone else chimed in "I agree... I'd vote for you too"
SO, you can bet that I was SO flattered. hah.

Imagine? I mean, shoot. I hope the Reagan Oracle has a plan for me! (DANA CARVEY REFERENCE, LULZY)

well, alright... I know it seems ridiculous, but shoot, I want to hang out in the Oval Office, and possibly have tea with Paul McCartney and Viktorria in there.
ahaha

think the secret service'd be okay with that?

oh well, we'll have to wait and see! :D

nothing on but the radio

...feels like summertime to me

anyway.


always, I swear.
Like picking out the clothes, I never quite know which face to wear

She warned me, they scorned me

Only the Lord can truly see, and I hope, I hope that help me, he will.

I cannot wait until my 18th, how exciting...

I wonder if she'll remember....
I'm scared she does, but doesn't care

HAH.

yeah, he was gonna change, for his new found flame...

Interesting how easy it is to be the bad person.
Now, I'm not saying I'm not ever the bad one, I'm not saying I'm always sweet.
I just happen to be one of those girls who look at the others who just walk all over everyone, and think, how could they?

I have a strong, very strong, dislike for hurting people. I stay up at night, and worry that I've hurt someone over the years.

My dad was making fun of me because I turned down a whole sandwich because we had no mustard.
It wasn't because of this he made fun of me, it was because of what this meant for my sandwich.
I truly cannot eat a sandwich if the stuff touches each other without some sort of condiment in between.
Example: bread, mayonnaise, cheese, mayonnaise/mustard mix, brown sugar ham, mustard, and then bread.
See why I needed the mustard?
Then, I also cannot stand it when the jelly is put on the peanut butter. I need it to go on the other piece of bread.
It is a serious issue, like, my mind freaks out. I think it has to do with my eating disorder thing people think I have/had.
Although, I also don't like to eat in public. Like I spent most of high school not eating lunch at school because I didn't want people to see me eat. I'm still wary; I like to hide.
Eugh--PICKLES.

anyway, point is, my dad was teasing me. Also, we were watching hoarders, and apparently, that's me.

...

...
...

he's calling me crazy!!

You know how everyone has that one thing....

That one thing they are most excited for, as far as their spring break is concerned?
WELL, true story here..
I opened the fridge yesterday and saw meatloaf, well, the kind that you microwave, I think, and that is what I am looking forward to most.
I cannot wait until my dad makes meatloaf for me. I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THE MEATLOAF.


This is the saddest spring break, ever. hahah.

Something to be Proud of (Reprise)

Well, the call never came
but, for good reason
and, it helped me learn more about how I feel
Though, I am still sometimes slightly turned off of the thought
I'll learn to like it, I'm sure.

Ugh, alright, so, tomorrow SHOULD I GO TO SCHOOL?
Reasons why I should?:

1. essay in French
2. need to do my AP French studying
3. need to start finishing my art project(s) ...I wouldn't do them though...
4. turn in all that AP money!!!!!!!!! (If I don't go, I'd turn it in after school)
5. I wasn't in English yesterday, and missing block isn't ideal
6. Viktorria!
7. Young Republican's! I could talk about my Meg Whitman encounter
8. Texts with Keith in class!
9. I'd probably get to see him :3
   

Reasons why I shouldn't?:

1. I feel sick
2. I want to prepare for my garage sale
3. I want to avoid somebody
4. I didn't do my make up work for English
5. or my regular homework
6. essay in french
7. avoid working on my art project
8. gives me time to work on all my homework (HAH)
9. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
10. catch up on my TV shows!
11. I've gone so many days with nice attendance, I deserve a reward! ahaha
12. English.
13. I could read :)
14. cleaning and stuff... (HAH!)

alright, I like not going...
BUT I HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO THINGS.

I love the country station, they just know what to play for me :)

SO, he tells me he really likes me, I should be glad, correct?

It just worries me, I think he is more invested, and at this point, that's making me...wary.

But, I mean, I should be quite happy, A BOY WANTS TO TREAT ME RIGHT!

Problem is, I think he may think we are more than we are at this point.

I will see how this works out. I kind of look forward to it

Something to be Proud of

I've been listening to country radio in my room now.
Also, it is request hour, and I kind of want to request Rain is a Good Thing or maybe I Like it, I Love it
but alas, I'm far too scared :p

I'm expecting an interesting phone call tonight, and to be honest, I'm not too sure how I feel about it
Kind of how I feel about the caller.
but, shhh.

Isn't it funny how fast things change?
And how fast the minutes go by

I don't know how I feel, all I know is that I miss something, and I miss Viktorria.

My kitten is very much in heat, and it makes me sad. She howls, and wails, and she wants someone to court her, soon.

Oddly, I haven't been able to write much these days. But I cannot seem to stop talking
About anything, I just talk and talk. I talk at people, I talk at everything.
ha

a bit of a babe, also. this is a bit of a diary rant

You know, I honestly do not understand how people can sit there and not have conversations.
I truly love meeting new people, making people laugh, being made laugh, and then also, getting asked for help/advice. Not that I know the answer, but it's just nice that for some reason people tend to ask me for help a lot. I mean, I think I know everything, but I didn't know that everyone else thought so too ;)
haha, I kid, of course.

I got some interesting compliments, and insults today.

I also got mad, really mad. For no reason.
Just got infuriated, and needed to just start over

I need to start over. I need to get out of here. I need to meet someone new.
I need a refreshing personality
maybe someone who isn't too heavy. Yeah, I hope that's what I get.
Something light and airy. Something fun. I want to smile, it's spring. I want to just laugh, and have a nice day.

I think if you let yourself believe you are happy, the happiness follows shortly after.

I think people rely on their sadness, bitchiness, bitterness, pessimism, and just flat out rudeness. Being sad is what they're good at. They are used to it. They are comfortable with it.

I was sad, for February, and I can't believe I made it out alive. I really honestly cannot do sadness. I mean, if you make me cry, I'll cry. But I hate being stuck in a routine, a tunnel that has no end.
So, I woke up, and let the sunshine get to me.
I smile now, I actually smile!

Being that I spent a lot of my childhood actually depressed, I do understand that sometimes you can't do it. You really are sad, and stuck that way. My therapist really helped me out, man. Because, I never like to be sad anymore. Before I got some sort of sick pleasure in my own sadness.
I even got involved with people who could control my happiness
People I knew had the ability to make me go from happy to sad in a second or less.
But, now, this has to change

I need to stand up for my self, right?

Thanks for listening to me.
ah.
I really should be doing my homework. I have english, stats, and french, ahah :3

American Pie by Don McLean

I happen to really love that song.

My mom would turn up the radio when it came on

I seriously didn't know what it meant at all, but I sang along.

Much like how I had no clue where she would be taking me, but I rode along.

She had a knack for getting me to go along with things.



anyway.
I have to write a poem about a memory being captured in time, and stuff for English class. I'm thinking of doing something involving my mom, and car rides. Maybe sitting in the car waiting for my dad to get off the train?

HMPH.


I miss my Viktorria, and I cannot wait to have our lunch date tomorrow.

I'm glad the mystery is over, and the hurt is gone. I'm glad I looked past him for that short moment on that day, I'm glad I saw him. I'm glad he saw me looking at him.

also. update

I am drug free... That extended metaphor is over.
I'm soberrr!!! :3

GODDAMMIT.

It should just be a crime to be THAT mesmerizing.

Now, don't commit the crime if you can't commit to the time...
....with me ;)


Alright, I'm mystified. Also, slightly worried.
Anxious, rather. Hah.

Dwellers

SCREAMING, I AM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!
Yelling at myself in order to stop this earthquake--she calls it an increased heart rate due to the fact she has just received a glance from a "dreamy" man--I call it an earthquake.
I mean, the walls are shaking! Rather, PULSATING. At a speed no person should have to deal with, but then again, I am living in her heart, and well, I guess you could say I more than signed up for this. Last month it was a flood, and a loneliness that couldn't be filled (hard to believe she was that sad) and now this... this happiness. I do appreciate it, but does she really have to disrupt my sleep with her excitement. It is just a text...
Settle down, and also, while we are filing complaints...

Yeah, I have a complaint to bring to your attention.. Not only am I never fed, but now, NOW, there are these winged insects fluttering around in here! This is not alright. I am a stomach, not an insectarium.
I mean, at first, last wednesday, I thought I saw a cocoon, but I didn't think much of it... Boy, do I regret that.

>>I don't know what they're complaining about, I feel fine... It isn't eveeeen a big deal... Just a teeny little crush. hah. :3

*ZZZZZNNNNNNNNNN*

tip tip tip
stand on the tippity tip of your tippie toes
tense up when timeless glances turn to tasteless lips touching
tell it to my face, take the tactful initiative
tough times, terrible thoughts, turning gears, temples throbbing

relentless ranting ranks up there with rambling rough-housers.

simple second, maybe 3 at most, silly secret seduction, one-sided, at that

lick lips, laugh, look up, hold seductive glance, blink, smile, look down, lick lips

isn't funny how simple things make your day.

an outdated update

love.
what a word.

anyway, I guess you could say I'm still happy. I've been smiling a lot more these days.

Although, I am using, still. But, it's an addiction, it's a disease. I'm having a hard time fighting it

and in all honesty, I don't want to overcome it. I like being high, more than I could imagine liking sobriety at this point.

it isn't destroying anything, so, I'm good, right?

sweet. :3

DO-DO-DOOOOO

oddly enough, I can't bear to read any of it. anything I've written about it.

OH WELL.

So, I feel terrible, and I need to watch season 5 of Grey's. haha

I've had the strongest desire to trace my veins, but I'm sure that doing so will make me weird. HA

I had something to say, I swear to it....

oh well, I've forgotten.

relapse

and there it goes again.

but, you tell me what I want to hear, what I need to hear to justify the seemingly evident mistake.

they all were watching, they knew. oh, haha, look at her, falling, falling for it all again.

they left, they all left. probably chatted about my silly-self.

they left me alone with it. it was worth the relapse.

when you're addicted, you're addicted..

addict

so, day 2 of being 'happy'
interesting...

you are blunt because you want to warn me, keep me from being hurt, I get it.

but I get sick, my stomach turns when you mention his name. Please, let me get over it first.

I really find it difficult, it's truly restraining me.

I am crippled, he is the bane of my being. He is so ..indescribable. That's what I thought I liked about him.

no, I can describe him. He is what holds me back, but makes me feel good. He is the contradiction in my life. He is an ass. An addiction.

His lips, his words, his fingers, they are the alcohol, the gambling, the heroin

he is slowly killing me, and I quit, I walked away, but we all know that if called me, I'd run back.

I trust him, still. I don't mean to, but I lose all the smarts I thought I had when I am near him.

I have been writing, raging, screaming, and talking all too much about this. he is so not worth it, but I still do, I still waste my ink, my anger, my spirit, and my voice on him. He fooled me, he is so much more than that one guy that I went out with, he is that one guy that made me want to die.
He is the one that made me question my own worth, and that is not okay.

I am done, but I miss him none the less.

I long for the heroine, the alcohol, and the gambling.
I want to feel the alcohol on my lips, the gambles whispered in my ear, or flashing upon my phone, and to feel the heroin on my skin, my arms, my hands, my hair

debriefing? alrighty

They all disgust me
with their looks, glances rather, and I just glare. It isn't even worth turning away, I just want to scream into their supposed "love"-struck eyes, and shake their fragile bodies in my clammy hands. Wrapping each of my knuckly fingers around their arms and squeeze the hope out of their skin. I want to feel their pulses in my palms, feel the skin turning red. Each time I see one of them exchange a smile, or a laugh, I just want to take a shotgun to their jaws. Happiness, romance, none of it is allowed in the halls. They need to stop, and just discover that it is short-lived. You only ever win once, and that has a 50/50 survival rate. So, for the sake of their long-term romances, and for my sanity, I'm going to kiss this postcard off into the wind, as I am too, an invisible monster.


Onto another topic, AM1610 is the reason I exist, or so my car decided. I was trying to fast forward a cassette, and my car just decided to tune itself to 1610, and then, Good Day Sunshine filled the car, and then shortly after, another Beatles' song came, and then some John Mayer! Next thing you know, I'm sitting there, on the edge of my car seat, anticipating the next song; I totally forgot about the cassette.

I want a radio in my room.


Onto yet another topic, I wish to feel pain again. Real, true, and honest physical pain, excruciating too. Like, post-surgical pain. It's been too long, and I don't like it. I also want to leave the city again sometime. I'd love to fly again, it has also been way too long since I felt the world below me as I make an escape to the bigger picture. Also, it has been too long since I last hugged him. Thursday, February 18th, around 9pm, I believe. But, what can you do?


What else? Oh, I'm beyond stressed these days. I wish I could just pause time for a little. Maybe take a month off?

I feel like I have too much pent inside, but I have no way of letting it out anymore. Talking about it makes me sick, writing about it makes me sicker. I can see the ink drip from each letter. All I ever end up writing is 'Fuck You' and that always turns into 'I want to ...'

Just a big mix up, this was NOT supposed to happen to me. haha. If only. If only she could just crawl out of the emptiness and leave me alone, and then return with my sanity, if only. If only she could crawl out of my heart with the same shotgun that would be used on those happy lovebirds, and just blow him out of my heart/my mind/my soul/my spirit/my past/my future/my life. Return to me, with a gun covered in brain matter, and jaw bone marrow. But then again, what would I wallow about? She should just stay hidden and depressed in my chest cavity. She shouldn't be so demanding though, she should also tell her brother, down in my gut, to stay out of my life, and that growling won't really get you anywhere.

all of these words, do they mean anything? are they just words, or are they my chance? my chance to forget. My goodness, my life seems so small. I want to listen to music, but I don't.

battle studies

Boy, does Meredith have a way of jerking those tears.

___________________________________
In other news, I went from sad, to mad, to worried

it's been well past 24hours since we've last spoken

___________________________________

I'm grounded

all we ever do is say goodbye

"Why you wanna break my heart again/Why am I gonna let you try"

John Mayer has been there through all of this...
he was there during the first wait
then through the wonderful month
and now, through the second wait

Battle Studies pretty much sums it all up.

heartbreak warfare

lost in love turned to lost my love


this sucks, for a moment I feel like I have you back, but it's only for that moment, and the next day you don't look back.


people ask me why, why would I put myself through this?


it's worth all the pain in the world for that moment.


I add up each moment, take the average, and then use those to show others that you still care.


you have to still care, why else would you still be there?

heartbreak

what if?
what if I hung up the phone, and grabbed a gun?
would you want me back?
would you miss my voice?
would you regret not talking on the phone?
would it become just a memory, would it become such a distant memory, and would you miss it?
would it become a hollowing pain in your
chest?
would you cry like I do?

I Need You

words cannot convey my emotions
I never knew this day existed

I could always put it in words
now I can only cry

in Iambic Pentameter fortehtearz

She is crazy for him, it would appear.
Yes, I am aware this was our fear.
She asks, "Is this love?" I quip, "I don't know"
She is so lost, the confusion does show...
Such a fool, she was for him, it seemed
Pushed forth the special date, for what she dreamed
Was the answer for his love requitance*.
She had striven each day for his acceptance.
Herself, she did put in this tense position
Waiting on words. Sighing at the omission
Of a declaration of emotion-
Never did he profess loving devotion.
She did love him, she does love him, did he'ven** love her?
This is the mental battle her mind does stir
Every time that their lips press for a kiss,
She's pushed even farther into this abyss.
She still needs him, needs him, to love her again too
Some day soon, she will know what it is that she should do


But she never really did have to find it out,
Because he destroyed her without a doubt.
Why'd he even kiss her upon his departure?
After he eats her heart too, like a vulture.

*- requital, made it up ;D
**- he + even

hah, funny thing is

he made me smile, all the while he was yanking my heart out.

how did I let this happen?
I gave it away, and never got it back

even though it is shattered, he still has it.


he destroyed me, but still had me smiling.

istilllovehim

xxxxxxxxx

have you ever just sat there
counting the rain drops, as they sync with the tears
counting the minutes, the seconds, the hearbeats
realizing that there really is a fine line between love and hate
realizing that the line is thinning with each breath

it all becomes one big blur
you really do swear there was a time when they were there
they loved you, and you weren't sure what to do
then one day, you woke up
you woke up with this strange weight on your heart
the weight felt light, felt like a whole new world
then you went to sleep
the weight feels heavy
you let your emotions get flung, side to side
taking down the borders of reality
waiting for the next sign, the next word
waiting turns into counting
counting each and every heartbeat between you and them

time passes so slowly each day but swiftly each moment
a big chaotic blur

I don't care anymore

Fuck this!
the logic is beyond flawed.
I feel like throwing up again

lolwut?

it is as simple as building a wooden bridge over water in 1720.
....

honestly, it is not something I am fond of
this weird spell, a curse, or hex as far as I can tell
a twisted type of.... love
don't be distraught by that ugly thought.
this is all too horrendous, when will it end for us?
so coy, like a trickster's toy.
this, too, shall pass
or, this too, shall pass.
all about emphasis, why do I go on like this?

this makes no sense, since it is a lie
why must I try, I'll just cry
all that is ever spoken is a goodbye, and a sigh is felt
with a removal of a belt, and an unfastening button's melodious clink,
a zippers zip, what is there left to think?

what is revealed is no longer concealed away
it is my future, my past
my present has not blessed me with its presence
I realize I am alone, a mere clone is all I have seduced
and now, in this hate induced coma, I slowly perish