giggling
blushing
totally baffling
surreal
you can never know how I feel
31 July 2009
compulsivly
I need to post again, who knows why.
Today I felt like I belonged.
I felt as if that was my natural habitat.
I was at a park/playground
My daddy pushed me on the swing
I played on the merry-go-round
I played on the monkey bars
I admired the beauty surrounding me
I wiggled my toes in the pointy woodchucks
I laid inside of a slide
It was beautiful.
big time, small league
each breath is shallow, and hesitant
each beat is slow, and loud
movements are subtle, and serious
glances are stares, and soft
the situation is dangerous, and cumbersome
the scene is well set, and poorly ended
the hour that went by was only a moment, and over
it didn't happen, was it even supposed to?
what was that....
will we acknowledge it, ever?
each beat is slow, and loud
movements are subtle, and serious
glances are stares, and soft
the situation is dangerous, and cumbersome
the scene is well set, and poorly ended
the hour that went by was only a moment, and over
it didn't happen, was it even supposed to?
what was that....
will we acknowledge it, ever?
leaving
last night, or this morning rather, I was haunted with nightmares.
for some reason, some CRAZY reason, I have bad dreams about the first day of school, every single summer.
onto other things, I think my feelings can be summarized by copy-pasting from a jason mraz song (bright eyes)
"Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends;
The one with the bright eyes..
Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.
There's fear in the truth at hand, frozen I forgot to understand"
well some things do [apply], some don't.
I was supposed to go to some museums today...
I didn't wake up.
Why can't I sleep at night?
AND WHY, why when I do finally sleep, from pure exhaustion, do I get haunted?
There is no safe place for me, even in my dreams.
At least I have music....
music that I mentally manipulate to fit my situation
I don't draw much anymore, I don't think I'm very good at it anymore
this new found lack of talent probably has to do with my gaining weight
it threw off the balance.
man, I miss her, her, and the other her too.
for some reason, some CRAZY reason, I have bad dreams about the first day of school, every single summer.
onto other things, I think my feelings can be summarized by copy-pasting from a jason mraz song (bright eyes)
"Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends;
The one with the bright eyes..
Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.
There's fear in the truth at hand, frozen I forgot to understand"
well some things do [apply], some don't.
I was supposed to go to some museums today...
I didn't wake up.
Why can't I sleep at night?
AND WHY, why when I do finally sleep, from pure exhaustion, do I get haunted?
There is no safe place for me, even in my dreams.
At least I have music....
music that I mentally manipulate to fit my situation
I don't draw much anymore, I don't think I'm very good at it anymore
this new found lack of talent probably has to do with my gaining weight
it threw off the balance.
man, I miss her, her, and the other her too.
29 July 2009
more thoughts
when is the risk worth it?
when is it worth the risk?
I am positive it isn't now.
I lay down at night, close my eyes
and BOOM my mind gets raped.
thoughts on top of thoughts,
it's fucking too much
I was up til 5:30am, thinking
did I resolve anything?
nope.
would I like to share what I was thinking about?
not really.
they're coming to get me.
the aliens that I've buried deep within the darkest corners of my mind, they are emerging, with vengeance in hand, and destruction at heart.
they drag up my emotions, mix them with crazy things, and then laugh.
laugh so hard, so eerily. I can almost hear the laughter in the silent darkness that is my room. I put the blanket over my head, as if that would help...
I'm not crazy, I promise.
when is it worth the risk?
I am positive it isn't now.
I lay down at night, close my eyes
and BOOM my mind gets raped.
thoughts on top of thoughts,
it's fucking too much
I was up til 5:30am, thinking
did I resolve anything?
nope.
would I like to share what I was thinking about?
not really.
they're coming to get me.
the aliens that I've buried deep within the darkest corners of my mind, they are emerging, with vengeance in hand, and destruction at heart.
they drag up my emotions, mix them with crazy things, and then laugh.
laugh so hard, so eerily. I can almost hear the laughter in the silent darkness that is my room. I put the blanket over my head, as if that would help...
I'm not crazy, I promise.
for you, California and so forth
give it up, give it up
start over
clean slate
it's not worth it!
who must you prove yourself to, if not yourself?
this is all completely irrelevant
I'm leaving on the 3rd, see you soon California
see you soon fate
see you soon heartbreak
see you soon
pain...
it is almost contagious
romance is outrageous
boys, girls, family, friends
pain, pain, pain, pain
must it be any more obvious?
must you be any bit less oblivious?
I will see you soon
but I will leave you soon.
start over
clean slate
it's not worth it!
who must you prove yourself to, if not yourself?
this is all completely irrelevant
I'm leaving on the 3rd, see you soon California
see you soon fate
see you soon heartbreak
see you soon
pain...
it is almost contagious
romance is outrageous
boys, girls, family, friends
pain, pain, pain, pain
must it be any more obvious?
must you be any bit less oblivious?
I will see you soon
but I will leave you soon.
28 July 2009
wisdom?
while they get drunk, faded, hyphy, and stupid
I sit and think, with my family, my blood.
I wonder if I am torn, I decide it's possible
I miss it each day
getting high, hanging out
without a care in the whole world
In a flash I realize the contradictions
I need to succeed
I have to go to college
I need to buckle down and focus
I cannot betray them
I cannot lie to him
I mustn't do that
I don't want to sit back and watch it all pass by my eyes
but i don't want to sit back and get high while my future passes by
Is there a balance?
Even if there was, I'd be lying
I have no idea
what is going
on in my
mind these days
on top of it all, I have some sort of infatuation with this certain thing, guy.
I am out of place, and of thought
I sit and think, with my family, my blood.
I wonder if I am torn, I decide it's possible
I miss it each day
getting high, hanging out
without a care in the whole world
In a flash I realize the contradictions
I need to succeed
I have to go to college
I need to buckle down and focus
I cannot betray them
I cannot lie to him
I mustn't do that
I don't want to sit back and watch it all pass by my eyes
but i don't want to sit back and get high while my future passes by
Is there a balance?
Even if there was, I'd be lying
I have no idea
what is going
on in my
mind these days
on top of it all, I have some sort of infatuation with this certain thing, guy.
I am out of place, and of thought
27 July 2009
03 July 2009
Cat updates
Well.
My dad is driving to Ohio, WITH MY LILLIE! (big cat, old cat)
and my baby kitty is so cute.
i've narrowed down her names!
Mars
Yesterday
Reagan
any opinions?
I miss california, it is always raining here, and its cold, people get excited when it's 70 degrees!
:O
my granma is so wonderful though, and my mom... sortsa.
but I miss my viktorrrriiiaaaahhhahhahhhh D:
I still need to fill my new phone with contacts
Text me with your name, so I can add it :)
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