oddly enough, I can't bear to read any of it. anything I've written about it.
OH WELL.
So, I feel terrible, and I need to watch season 5 of Grey's. haha
I've had the strongest desire to trace my veins, but I'm sure that doing so will make me weird. HA
I had something to say, I swear to it....
oh well, I've forgotten.
28 February 2010
26 February 2010
relapse
and there it goes again.
but, you tell me what I want to hear, what I need to hear to justify the seemingly evident mistake.
they all were watching, they knew. oh, haha, look at her, falling, falling for it all again.
they left, they all left. probably chatted about my silly-self.
they left me alone with it. it was worth the relapse.
when you're addicted, you're addicted..
but, you tell me what I want to hear, what I need to hear to justify the seemingly evident mistake.
they all were watching, they knew. oh, haha, look at her, falling, falling for it all again.
they left, they all left. probably chatted about my silly-self.
they left me alone with it. it was worth the relapse.
when you're addicted, you're addicted..
24 February 2010
addict
so, day 2 of being 'happy'
interesting...
you are blunt because you want to warn me, keep me from being hurt, I get it.
but I get sick, my stomach turns when you mention his name. Please, let me get over it first.
I really find it difficult, it's truly restraining me.
I am crippled, he is the bane of my being. He is so ..indescribable. That's what I thought I liked about him.
no, I can describe him. He is what holds me back, but makes me feel good. He is the contradiction in my life. He is an ass. An addiction.
His lips, his words, his fingers, they are the alcohol, the gambling, the heroin
he is slowly killing me, and I quit, I walked away, but we all know that if called me, I'd run back.
I trust him, still. I don't mean to, but I lose all the smarts I thought I had when I am near him.
I have been writing, raging, screaming, and talking all too much about this. he is so not worth it, but I still do, I still waste my ink, my anger, my spirit, and my voice on him. He fooled me, he is so much more than that one guy that I went out with, he is that one guy that made me want to die.
He is the one that made me question my own worth, and that is not okay.
I am done, but I miss him none the less.
I long for the heroine, the alcohol, and the gambling.
I want to feel the alcohol on my lips, the gambles whispered in my ear, or flashing upon my phone, and to feel the heroin on my skin, my arms, my hands, my hair
interesting...
you are blunt because you want to warn me, keep me from being hurt, I get it.
but I get sick, my stomach turns when you mention his name. Please, let me get over it first.
I really find it difficult, it's truly restraining me.
I am crippled, he is the bane of my being. He is so ..indescribable. That's what I thought I liked about him.
no, I can describe him. He is what holds me back, but makes me feel good. He is the contradiction in my life. He is an ass. An addiction.
His lips, his words, his fingers, they are the alcohol, the gambling, the heroin
he is slowly killing me, and I quit, I walked away, but we all know that if called me, I'd run back.
I trust him, still. I don't mean to, but I lose all the smarts I thought I had when I am near him.
I have been writing, raging, screaming, and talking all too much about this. he is so not worth it, but I still do, I still waste my ink, my anger, my spirit, and my voice on him. He fooled me, he is so much more than that one guy that I went out with, he is that one guy that made me want to die.
He is the one that made me question my own worth, and that is not okay.
I am done, but I miss him none the less.
I long for the heroine, the alcohol, and the gambling.
I want to feel the alcohol on my lips, the gambles whispered in my ear, or flashing upon my phone, and to feel the heroin on my skin, my arms, my hands, my hair
22 February 2010
debriefing? alrighty
They all disgust me
with their looks, glances rather, and I just glare. It isn't even worth turning away, I just want to scream into their supposed "love"-struck eyes, and shake their fragile bodies in my clammy hands. Wrapping each of my knuckly fingers around their arms and squeeze the hope out of their skin. I want to feel their pulses in my palms, feel the skin turning red. Each time I see one of them exchange a smile, or a laugh, I just want to take a shotgun to their jaws. Happiness, romance, none of it is allowed in the halls. They need to stop, and just discover that it is short-lived. You only ever win once, and that has a 50/50 survival rate. So, for the sake of their long-term romances, and for my sanity, I'm going to kiss this postcard off into the wind, as I am too, an invisible monster.
Onto another topic, AM1610 is the reason I exist, or so my car decided. I was trying to fast forward a cassette, and my car just decided to tune itself to 1610, and then, Good Day Sunshine filled the car, and then shortly after, another Beatles' song came, and then some John Mayer! Next thing you know, I'm sitting there, on the edge of my car seat, anticipating the next song; I totally forgot about the cassette.
I want a radio in my room.
Onto yet another topic, I wish to feel pain again. Real, true, and honest physical pain, excruciating too. Like, post-surgical pain. It's been too long, and I don't like it. I also want to leave the city again sometime. I'd love to fly again, it has also been way too long since I felt the world below me as I make an escape to the bigger picture. Also, it has been too long since I last hugged him. Thursday, February 18th, around 9pm, I believe. But, what can you do?
What else? Oh, I'm beyond stressed these days. I wish I could just pause time for a little. Maybe take a month off?
I feel like I have too much pent inside, but I have no way of letting it out anymore. Talking about it makes me sick, writing about it makes me sicker. I can see the ink drip from each letter. All I ever end up writing is 'Fuck You' and that always turns into 'I want to ...'
Just a big mix up, this was NOT supposed to happen to me. haha. If only. If only she could just crawl out of the emptiness and leave me alone, and then return with my sanity, if only. If only she could crawl out of my heart with the same shotgun that would be used on those happy lovebirds, and just blow him out of my heart/my mind/my soul/my spirit/my past/my future/my life. Return to me, with a gun covered in brain matter, and jaw bone marrow. But then again, what would I wallow about? She should just stay hidden and depressed in my chest cavity. She shouldn't be so demanding though, she should also tell her brother, down in my gut, to stay out of my life, and that growling won't really get you anywhere.
all of these words, do they mean anything? are they just words, or are they my chance? my chance to forget. My goodness, my life seems so small. I want to listen to music, but I don't.
with their looks, glances rather, and I just glare. It isn't even worth turning away, I just want to scream into their supposed "love"-struck eyes, and shake their fragile bodies in my clammy hands. Wrapping each of my knuckly fingers around their arms and squeeze the hope out of their skin. I want to feel their pulses in my palms, feel the skin turning red. Each time I see one of them exchange a smile, or a laugh, I just want to take a shotgun to their jaws. Happiness, romance, none of it is allowed in the halls. They need to stop, and just discover that it is short-lived. You only ever win once, and that has a 50/50 survival rate. So, for the sake of their long-term romances, and for my sanity, I'm going to kiss this postcard off into the wind, as I am too, an invisible monster.
Onto another topic, AM1610 is the reason I exist, or so my car decided. I was trying to fast forward a cassette, and my car just decided to tune itself to 1610, and then, Good Day Sunshine filled the car, and then shortly after, another Beatles' song came, and then some John Mayer! Next thing you know, I'm sitting there, on the edge of my car seat, anticipating the next song; I totally forgot about the cassette.
I want a radio in my room.
Onto yet another topic, I wish to feel pain again. Real, true, and honest physical pain, excruciating too. Like, post-surgical pain. It's been too long, and I don't like it. I also want to leave the city again sometime. I'd love to fly again, it has also been way too long since I felt the world below me as I make an escape to the bigger picture. Also, it has been too long since I last hugged him. Thursday, February 18th, around 9pm, I believe. But, what can you do?
What else? Oh, I'm beyond stressed these days. I wish I could just pause time for a little. Maybe take a month off?
I feel like I have too much pent inside, but I have no way of letting it out anymore. Talking about it makes me sick, writing about it makes me sicker. I can see the ink drip from each letter. All I ever end up writing is 'Fuck You' and that always turns into 'I want to ...'
Just a big mix up, this was NOT supposed to happen to me. haha. If only. If only she could just crawl out of the emptiness and leave me alone, and then return with my sanity, if only. If only she could crawl out of my heart with the same shotgun that would be used on those happy lovebirds, and just blow him out of my heart/my mind/my soul/my spirit/my past/my future/my life. Return to me, with a gun covered in brain matter, and jaw bone marrow. But then again, what would I wallow about? She should just stay hidden and depressed in my chest cavity. She shouldn't be so demanding though, she should also tell her brother, down in my gut, to stay out of my life, and that growling won't really get you anywhere.
all of these words, do they mean anything? are they just words, or are they my chance? my chance to forget. My goodness, my life seems so small. I want to listen to music, but I don't.
21 February 2010
battle studies
Boy, does Meredith have a way of jerking those tears.
___________________________________
In other news, I went from sad, to mad, to worried
it's been well past 24hours since we've last spoken
___________________________________
I'm grounded
___________________________________
In other news, I went from sad, to mad, to worried
it's been well past 24hours since we've last spoken
___________________________________
I'm grounded
15 February 2010
all we ever do is say goodbye
"Why you wanna break my heart again/Why am I gonna let you try"
John Mayer has been there through all of this...
he was there during the first wait
then through the wonderful month
and now, through the second wait
Battle Studies pretty much sums it all up.
John Mayer has been there through all of this...
he was there during the first wait
then through the wonderful month
and now, through the second wait
Battle Studies pretty much sums it all up.
heartbreak warfare
lost in love turned to lost my love
this sucks, for a moment I feel like I have you back, but it's only for that moment, and the next day you don't look back.
people ask me why, why would I put myself through this?
it's worth all the pain in the world for that moment.
I add up each moment, take the average, and then use those to show others that you still care.
you have to still care, why else would you still be there?
this sucks, for a moment I feel like I have you back, but it's only for that moment, and the next day you don't look back.
people ask me why, why would I put myself through this?
it's worth all the pain in the world for that moment.
I add up each moment, take the average, and then use those to show others that you still care.
you have to still care, why else would you still be there?
08 February 2010
heartbreak
what if?
what if I hung up the phone, and grabbed a gun?
would you want me back?
would you miss my voice?
would you regret not talking on the phone?
would it become just a memory, would it become such a distant memory, and would you miss it?
would it become a hollowing pain in your
chest?
would you cry like I do?
what if I hung up the phone, and grabbed a gun?
would you want me back?
would you miss my voice?
would you regret not talking on the phone?
would it become just a memory, would it become such a distant memory, and would you miss it?
would it become a hollowing pain in your
chest?
would you cry like I do?
01 February 2010
I Need You
words cannot convey my emotions
I never knew this day existed
I could always put it in words
now I can only cry
I never knew this day existed
I could always put it in words
now I can only cry
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